Coping with bereavement

You'll need time to absorb what has happened yourself and work out what you want to say. However, children pick up on more than we think, and it's important for them to hear the news directly from you, the person they trust the most, rather than overhearing a conversation, for example. So try not to put off the conversation with your child for too long.

You know your child best, so have a think about where would you would both feel most comfortable when you break the news to them. If your child has a safe space they like to escape to, like a den or their bedroom, it's maybe best to avoid telling them there, as they'll then need that space to retreat to. 

If your child is younger you could consider telling them in a neutral place, like the park, so they can go and play afterwards. Or you could ask your child's school if there's a quiet classroom or safe space where you can talk to them. 

It’s normal not to want to talk about death. But it’s best to use clear, age-appropriate language with your child. Avoid using words like ‘lost’, ‘passed away’ or 'gone to sleep' as they may not understand what this means. They may wonder why you aren't looking for the person if they're 'lost'. Or they may start worrying about falling asleep and not waking up again, which can lead to anxiety at bedtime. If they think the person will be coming back, they will just be more upset when they realise they aren’t. 

It may help to write down what you want to say to your child before you speak to them. For example, you could write down a description of what happened. This may make the conversation feel a bit less overwhelming.

Depending on your child's age it can help to give them the basic information first, and then tell them more later on, if they have questions. Let them know that they can come back and talk to you any time.

Try not to worry about saying the 'wrong' thing. It's best to answer your child's questions as honestly as you can, so they don't use their imagination to fill in the gaps and make things scarier than they really are.

It’s only natural that the death of someone they know may make them start thinking or worrying about other people they know dying, or even dying themselves. Reassure them but be honest with them – everyone dies eventually, but most people live for a long time.

Your children may react in a way you don’t expect. For example:

• They may be extremely upset, or they might not react at all and just want to go back to playing or watching their cartoons.
• They may be quiet and subdued or they may act up to get your attention.
• They may develop physical symptoms like a sore tummy, sore head, or aches and pains.
• Some children may feel guilty that they did something wrong.
• Older children may starting taking more risks, as a way of dealing with difficult emotions or taking back control.

No matter how this is impacting them, the most important thing you can do is let them know that you’re there for them. 

If your child had a difficult relationship with the person who died, this may make things even more complex. If you're worried about how your child is reacting, you can always get help and advice from the organisations listed below.

Some parents worry about crying in front of their children, in case it upsets them even more. But crying is a natural part of the grieving process, and it's okay to let them know that you're sad too, and that you'll miss the person who's gone.

You might feel it isn’t the time for fun and games, but playing is one of the best ways for children to come to terms with things and understand the world around them. So if you see them building a hospital out of blocks or playing funerals, or going back to games they used to play when they were younger, this is just their way of coping with the situation.

Older children and teens may not want to play, but you could encourage them to express their feelings in other ways, for example through drawing or making a mindmap. Our page on teens and anxiety has lots of tips to help teens deal with their emotions and calm themselves.

You may well feel as if your world has been turned upside down, but trying to stick as much as you can to your usual routines will help your child (and you) feel more secure. For example, you could try getting everyone up at the usual time in the morning, sticking to your usual meal times and going to bed at the same time. You could also encourage your child to attend any regular activities rather than staying at home.

Reading picture books together may help your child understand the situation. The Scottish Book Trust have a list of books that explore grief and loss in a gentle, sensitive way.

Older children and teens may find the books on this list helpful.

It’s a good idea to tell your child’s nursery or school what has happened, so they can support your child. For example, your child's teacher could talk to them about their feelings and process things, help them if they get upset and support them if they need to take time off.

Especially if your child is older, it can really help to let them know that everyone grieves in different ways and that there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way to feel. They may feel lots of different emotions at different times. Or they may be trying to hide how they feel, so this may help them to open up. 

It's important to let your child know they can always talk to you about how they're feeling, or about the person who's died. But try not to leave it to them to bring up the subject. Keep checking in on them and asking how they're feeling, so they know it's okay to talk about it.