Talking to your child about death

As a parent, it's natural to want to shield our children from sad or upsetting topics like death. But this can make it even harder to have these conversations if there is a death in the family.

Children can often feel unprepared when someone they know die, and this can make everything worse. So whether your child is simply curious, has heard chat in the playground that's confused them or is worried about nana or the cat, here are some tips for having open, honest conversations about death.

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Why is is important to talk to children about death?

Many parents avoid talking about death until they absolutely have to (for example, if someone in the family dies). But having general, factual conversations about death can help children understand more about it. This makes it a bit less scary and difficult if they do lose someone. It also shows them that death isn't a taboo subject, and that it's okay to have questions and to share any worries.

Tips for talking about death

Tip #1: Use examples from the natural world

A gentle way to introduce your child to the idea of death is to talk about things like plants, insects or animals. For example, if your child notices that a flower or plant has died, you could talk about how all living things die eventually, but usually only after a very long time.

Tip #2: Share books about death and grief

Reading picture books together may help younger children understand the concept of death and dying in a safe way. The Scottish Book Trust have a list of books that explore grief and loss in a gentle, sensitive way. This list has books for older children and teens.

Tip #3: Use clear language

When you're talking about death, try to use clear, direct language and avoid using words like 'passed away' or 'gone to sleep' as your child may not understand what these mean. You could talk to them about how, when people die, they don't come back. Little children can find it hard to get their heads round the concept of 'forever' so this may help them understand.

You could also try explaining that when we die, we don't need our bodies any more – this may help them understand that burial or cremation aren't scary things.

Tip #4: Look for 'teachable moments'

If a character dies in their favourite book or TV show you could use this chance to talk about how people deal with grief in different ways.

Tip #5: It's okay to say you don't know

Most children will at some point ask: "Where do we go when we die?" If your family has beliefs, you can also explain these, or you could talk about how different people believe different things. It's okay to say that you don't know, or that nobody knows for sure – you don't have to have all the answers.

Tip #6: Be prepared to answer the same questions more than once

Your child may keep asking you the same things, so be patient with them. This probably means they're trying to process what it all means.

Tips for supporting someone who has been bereaved

If your child knows someone who's been bereaved, it's a good idea to talk to them about what your family can do to help support them. This may help them process what's happened, and help them be a good friend. You can find more tips on the Cruse website.

Tip #1: Get in touch

When someone we know is bereaved, we can worry about saying the wrong thing to them. But people who are bereaved can often feel isolated, so encourage your child to get in touch. Sending a card or a message on social media to let their friend know they're thinking of them can help that friend feel less alone, and lets them know that they don't have to hide their grief.

Tip #2: Do something practical to help

Is there something practical you or your child could do to help? This could be bringing the bereaved family some shopping, arranging a play date or taking the dog for a walk. It may help if you suggest something specific you can do, rather than asking if there's anything you can do.

Tip #3: Keep checking in

There isn't a time limit on grief, so it's a good idea to keep checking in with the bereaved family and letting them know you're thinking about them.

More information

If someone your family knows dies, it can be really difficult to process things yourself, and be there for your family as well. Our page on coping with bereavement has advice on talking to your children if someone dies. It also lists organisations that can help – you don't have to go through this alone.