Understanding your child's behaviour if they're neurodivergent

We’re always saying this on Parent Club and we know it can be really hard, but do your best to stay calm with your child. If you need to take a time out to calm down before talking to your child this is totally fine, as long as your child is safe. For example, you could close your eyes and count to 10, or leave the room for a minute or two. Being frustrated, lecturing or shouting at them will only make things worse. 

It’s easy to feel out of control if your child is behaving in an extreme way. Our pages on keeping calm with your child and coping with raising a teen have tips to help with this.

All kids can struggle to work out what they’re feeling and why, and this can be even more pronounced for neurodivergent children. Here are some things you can slip into your day to help them work out what they’re feeling:

• If you’re reading a book or watching something together, you could talk about how the characters may be feeling. The Scottish Book Trust has a list of books that help children explore their emotions – you could see if you can find them in your local library. The Inside Out films are also great for starting a chat about feelings.
• Point out their emotions and yours. For example, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated”, or “Look at my smile – I’m really happy right now.”
• When you’re out and about, play ‘detective’ by trying to work out what the people you see are feeling or thinking.
• Help them associate physical feelings with emotions. For example, a funny feeling in their tummy could mean they feel nervous or anxious. You could draw a stick person and label it to show where we feel different emotions.
• Ask them to draw their feelings.
• Use colours or emojis to help talk about emotions.

These exercises will help them understand how they’re feeling when they get upset, frustrated, angry or scared.

They’ll also help them recognise and respond to other people’s emotions, which will make things like making friends and coping with social situations easier. It can also make it easier for you to help them work out what’s wrong when they’re upset.

If your child is upset, they won’t be able to take in anything you say or do until they’ve had a chance to calm down. This could involve helping them to take deep breaths and doing some breathing exercises or distracting them such as watching a short video. Have a look at Childline’s Calm Zone for lots more ideas that could help.

Once they feel calmer, you could then try talking to them about how they feel and why they got upset.

Your child probably isn’t being ‘difficult’ on purpose – there may be a reason, and their behaviour may be their way of trying to tell you.  All behaviour is really communication. For example:

• If they’re refusing to do something you tell them to, it may be because they haven’t understood your instructions, or because it involves an unexpected change to their routine.
• If they’re hiding or running away from you, it may be because they’re feeling overwhelmed by noise or lights.
• If they’re shouting at you, it may be because they feel frustrated, but can’t express this in words. 

Once you’re worked out the reason for a particular behaviour, you can take steps to help them solve the problem. For example:

• by always making instructions clear and specific
• by preparing them for any changes to their routine
• by letting them know what to expect if you’re doing something new
• by avoiding busy, crowded or noisy places that can upset them, or carrying things like fidget toys and noise-cancelling headphones to help them cope
• by helping them work out how they feel and agree a way in which they can express themselves
• by giving them time to process things – with  a busy life it can be difficult to always build in more time, but it’s often very helpful. No child likes to feel rushed but when a neurodivergent child is trying to process everything that is being asked of them, adding in time can help in some situations.

By helping your child recognise their emotions, you can help them understand that all feelings are valid, and that you want to know how they’re feeling. 

You can then help then work through strong emotions like anger, frustration or worry, and help them find positive ways to deal with these feelings. For example, if they are angry or frustrated, you can look for ways to help them calm down. If they’re anxious, you can look for ways to reassure them. 

Our pages on helping children deal with worries and helping neurodivergent teens with anxiety have lots of tips to help.

You can also help them understand the difference between acknowledging and coping with their emotions and hiding or ‘masking’ their feelings. You can find out more about masking below.

Neurodivergent children may find some things difficult, but they also have lots of amazing strengths too, like being kind, generous, honest, creative, energetic, quick-thinking and fun. So don’t forget to praise your child for the things they do well and for trying.

Be enthusiastic and specific, so they know why you’re praising them. For example, “Well done for sharing your toy with your brother,” “You were so kind to help Granny tidy up, I’m really proud of you.” 

Depending on what they like, you could also praise them by clapping or cheering, or giving them a high 5, a kiss or a cuddle.

Remember that things like following instructions and timekeeping are much harder for neurodivergent children than they are for neurotypical children, and they have to make much more effort. 

So don’t forget to praise them for trying – for example, if they don’t manage to completely finish a task, remember to praise them for the things they did do, rather than remind them of the things they didn’t. This way they’ll be much less likely to get discouraged and will want to keep trying.

Neurodivergent children tend to like things to be predictable and don’t like surprises. Sticking to a consistent routine as much as you can will help your child feel more secure and less anxious, which in turn will help them keep calm. So for example:

• From getting up and dressed to eating, heading to nursery or school and going to bed, try and do the same things at roughly the same time every day.
• Use timetables and other visual aids like pictures or colour coding to help your child know how the day is going to go. NHS Borders has a helpful visual schedule you can download and fill in to help your child know what’s happening.
• Prepare them for any change to their routine, whether that’s for things they may not like, like going to the doctor or dentist, or fun things like a cinema trip or holiday. Tell them exactly what will happen, how long it will last and what they’ll be expected to do. Show them pictures if that helps. NHS Borders has useful visual supports you can download to help with things like visits to the dentist and hairdresser.
• Include time for them to get outside and burn off energy – this can reduce stress and frustration and help kids feel better in themselves.
• Build in down time for them to relax, focus on their interests or spend time alone to recharge.

If your child gets very involved in what they’re doing and finds it hard to move from one activity to another, try using a countdown. You could simply tell them “15 minutes until play time is over and then it’s lunch” and then count down the last 5 and 2 minutes. Or you could use your phone or an egg timer or rainbow timer to show them how much time they have, unless this makes your child anxious.

If your child finds it hard to remember and follow instructions, here are some ways to help:

• Be very clear when you’re asking them to do things.
• Break the instructions down into steps. Start with just one or two steps and then build this up as they get better at following instructions.
• Tell them what you want them to do rather than what not to do.
• Give them plenty of time to process what you’re saying.
• Ask them to repeat back to you what you’ve asked them to do, to check they’ve taken it in.
• Use pictures to explain what you want them to do, or write the instructions down for them as a list they can tick off.

Here are some games that may help your child learn to remember and follow instructions.

‘Simon Says’

How to play: The parent tells the child to do something (like jump up and down or stand very still) and the child has to do it straightaway, but only if the instruction starts with Simon Says’. 

How it helps: This game helps children learn to follow instructions and also to pay attention.

‘I went to the shops and I bought…’ 

How to play: Player 1 starts with “I went to the shops and I bought…” and picks something like “apples”. Player 2 says “I went to the shops and I bought apples…” then adds something new, like “and bread”. The next player says “I went to the shops and I bought apples, bread and…” and adds another item. Carry on until someone gets the items in the wrong order or forgets something. 

Depending on your child’s age you can make it harder by following the alphabet (“apples, bread, cake, dog food…”) or adding descriptions (“delicious red apples, brown bread, chocolate cake with sprinkles…”)

How it helps: This is good practice for remembering things, and also helps children learn to listen and take turns. 

The tray game 

How to play: Put some items on a tray and ask your child to look at them. Then you can either take the tray away and ask the child to remember as many things as they can, or take away one item while your child isn’t looking and see if they can work out which one has gone.

How it helps: This game helps children focus and gives them a new way of remembering things visually, by mapping them in a space.

Some neurodivergent children find it hard to make plans. If they need to do something, they may find it hard to break it down into separate steps, so this is something you can help them do. 

For example:

• If you want them to tidy their room, you could help them work out all the different things they need to do, like hang up clothes, put books back on shelves, put toys in a box, and so on.
• When you break down tasks, assign time limits to them – for example, 5 minutes to pick up books, 5 minutes to hang up clothes – and make sure to include breaks. Children can feel overwhelmed if they think a task is going to take ages. But if you break it down and include time to move around or have a snack every so often, this will make it seem less daunting.
• If you’re doing some baking together, you could talk them through all the different steps involved, like reading the recipe through first, checking they’ve got all the ingredients and equipment, heating the oven up beforehand and following the recipe step by step.
• Playing games where you have to plan your next move, like noughts and crosses or Connect 4, can also help children learn to think more strategically.

If your child is older you could help them use the calendar in their phone or a notebook as a way of remembering things they need to do and when they need to do them. 

Another way to reward them is to make a sticker chart – you could do this together and base it round something they love, like dinosaurs or Star Wars. They can then add a sticker every time they get dressed, tidy their room, eat their greens, or do anything else you want to encourage them to repeat.

No one’s perfect, and most parents lose their temper at some point. Your children will too. So if this happens, don’t be hard on yourself or them. Instead, set a good example to your child by saying sorry. Be specific about what you’re sorry for and why (for example, “I’m sorry I shouted at you. I can see that made you upset.”) This helps them understand how our actions affect other people. Then let them know that next time you’ll act differently – this helps them understand that we can all learn from our mistakes. 

Finally, reconnect with them by being warm and kind and giving them a hug, if they like this. This will help them learn that, although you may fall out sometimes, you’ll always make up afterwards. 

Supporting a neurodivergent child can be challenging and nobody gets it right all the time. If you’re neurodivergent yourself, it may feel even harder. So don’t beat yourself up if things don’t always go to plan. Talking to someone else can really help – maybe you have a friend or family member you can offload to, or you could join a support group or speak to someone at one of the organisations listed below.

Try not to compare your child to other children. Your child has loads of brilliant qualities other children don’t have, so try to focus on those. And just because they can’t do things now doesn’t mean they can’t learn.

If you find tips that work for your family, make sure to share them with other people who care for your child, like grandparents, teachers at nursery or school or their friends’ parents. For example, if you know that certain things trigger your child and certain things calm them down, or if using a countdown before moving to a new activity helps, let everyone know.