Meltdowns and difficult behaviour

If a child (or adult) feels completely overwhelmed by a situation, they may have a meltdown. Anyone can have a meltdown, but it’s more likely to happen if your child is neurodivergent. Here we look at the differences between tantrums and meltdowns, and how to cope if meltdowns happen.

Jump to a section in this article

What is a meltdown?

A meltdown is an intense reaction to an overwhelming experience. It can happen if a child (or adult) can’t cope with their environment because their senses are overloaded, for example, because things are too bright, noisy, enclosed or smelly. Or it can happen if they’re being asked to do something that overloads them emotionally, by causing them too much stress or distress.

When someone’s having a meltdown they have no control over their actions. They may scream, cry, lash out, break things or try to run away. They may even hurt themselves – or you.

Any child (or adult) can experience a meltdown. However, meltdowns can happen more often to autistic people because their senses can get overwhelmed more quickly.

Sometimes in these situations, autistic people may try to block everything out and refuse to respond to you – this is known as a ‘shutdown’.

You can find out more about meltdowns and shutdowns on the NHS Inform website.

What's the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum?

Meltdowns are not the same as tantrums – although they may sometimes look similar. Often tantrums come from anger or frustration, rather than from feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Usually when your child has a tantrum it’s because you’re stopping them from doing or having something they want. They may be testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with. They may also be feeling tired, hungry or over-excited.

What is a shutdown?

A shutdown is when someone feels so overwhelmed that they try to block everything out. They may not respond to anything or anyone around them. They may seem detached or exhausted, or as if they don’t care about anything.

Shutdowns aren’t as easy to spot as meltdowns, but can be just as exhausting and upsetting for the person experiencing them.

You can find out more about shutdowns on the Reframing Autism website.

Is there anything I can do to help prevent meltdowns and shutdowns?

It’s unlikely you’ll be able to prevent meltdowns and shutdowns altogether, but it can help if you’re prepared for situations that you know or suspect may trigger your child. It’s not about trying to hide the feelings that can lead to a meltdown or shutdown, it’s about learning to cope with them so they don’t become overwhelming.

Here are some things you can try:

Tip #1: Let them know what to expect

If you need to do something you think will affect them (like going to a noisy train station or shopping centre) try explaining to them in advance what will happen. You could try using pictures of the place you’ll be going to show them what to expect. This will help you both prepare.

Tip #2: Stick to a routine

If possible, try to stick to a similar routine each day, so your child always knows what’s happening next. If they have focused interests, try to build in time for these every day.

If you need to make a change to your routine, make sure your child knows in advance, let them know what to expect and reassure them that it’s a ‘special plan’ rather than a disruption.

Tip #3: Pack things to keep them calm and distracted

When you’re heading out, make sure you pack things that may help them keep calm, like a favourite toy or a fidget spinner, a sensory blanket or headphones.

Tip #4: Encourage them to tell you if they start to feel overwhelmed

Let them know that it’s always okay to tell you if they start to feel overwhelmed, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Or you could work out a sign they could give you.

Tip #5: Make an escape plan

Work out in advance where you can go if your child starts to feel overwhelmed. For example, if you’re visiting a new place you could see if there is a quiet park or garden nearby – our page on play parks and family activities can help you find outdoor spaces near you.

If you’re going to a shopping centre or a visitor attraction like a museum or zoo, you could check the accessibility section of their website to see if they provide any facilities for autistic people – many do.

Tip #6: Look for warning signs

You may notice your child does certain things when a meltdown is on the way. For example, they may put their hands over their ears, rock backwards and forwards or try to run away. If you spot the signs, try and find a quiet, safe space they can go to calm down.

Tip #7: Help them develop coping strategies

As your child grows up, you can help them recognise the signs that a meltdown may be on the way themselves. For example, do they feel hot? Does their heart beat faster or their breathing speed up? You can then help them work out ways of coping with meltdowns. This could involve:

practising breathing exercises or other relaxation techniques
doing some physical exercise
putting on headphones and listening to music or a podcast
taking a break and moving away from the situation that is triggering them
changing their routine to avoid situations that are particularly difficult (like arriving at and leaving school early or late to avoid the busy rush)
finding safer ways to express their overwhelm – for example, screaming into a pillow or hitting a cushion rather than hurting themselves or breaking things around them.

Our pages on helping children deal with worries and helping neurodivergent teens with anxiety has lots more tips for supporting older children.

Tip #8: Let them know it's okay to have a meltdown or shutdown

Meltdowns and shutdowns are the body’s way of coping with overwhelming situations. So you may not want to encourage your child to suppress meltdowns if this means they’ll just have a bigger, more distressing one later on. However, you can help them learn to spot the warning signs and develop a safe way of coping, like punching a cushion.

Tip #9: Give them a 'job'

You could try giving your child a job or task to do, like a shopping list of things to find in the supermarket or asking them to look for red cars when you’re out and about. Having something to focus on may help them keep calm.

Tip #10: Encourage them to get help if they’re feeling overwhelmed

You can also talk to your child about what they can do if they start feeling overwhelmed and you’re not with them. For example, if they’re at school or at a friend’s house. Let them know that they can always talk to a teacher or a friend’s mum or dad.

You and your child could also make a card that they can show to people if they feel overwhelmed by the situation.

You can download an ‘I am autistic’ card from the National Autistic Society website here.
The educational website Twinkl has ADHD awareness cards you can download.
You could also consider getting your child a Sunflower hidden disabilities card, which is recognised by lots of shops, transport organisations, visitor attractions and other organisations.

What can I do if my child's having a meltdown?

Tip #1: Try to stay calm

Not always easy we know, especially if you’re in a public place. But if you can keep calm, this will help your child calm down too.

Tip #2: Remove the triggers

If you can, try to remove them from the situation that’s triggered them, or to remove the stimulus (for example, dimming the lights or turning down music). Once they’re in a safe place it’ll be easier for them to calm down.

Tip #3: Encourage them to breathe in and out slowly

Taking slow, deep breaths will help them calm down. Try doing this together, so they copy you.

There are lots of breathing exercises you can try with them – have a look at this article from the British Heart Foundation for some techniques you can practise together.

Tip #4: Remind them of their coping strategies

If you know there’s something that helps your child (like putting on headphones, jumping up and down or punching a cushion) encourage them calmly to do this before the feelings get too much.

Tip #5: Give them time and space to recover afterwards

Your child may feel exhausted after a meltdown. Older children may feel embarrassed. So give them plenty of time and space to recover. For example, you could let them have a lie down in a quiet room, listen to music or read a book.

Once they’re feeling better, reassure them that it’s okay to have a meltdown, it’s just their body’s way of dealing with being overwhelmed. Let them know you love them and that you’re there for them if they need anything.

Small boy sitting in a cardboard box with a corgi dog on his knee and a cat in the background.

Dealing with other people's reactions

If your child’s screaming in the supermarket or having a meltdown on the bus, feeling that everyone’s judging you can make everything that bit worse.

Try not to let it get to you. Just take a few deep breaths, focus on your child and ignore the people around you. By putting the safety and comfort of your child first, you’re being the best parent you can possibly be.

Looking after you

Meltdowns can be exhausting for parents as well as children, so try to take some time for yourself as well to calm down and relax. We have some wellbeing tips that can help. If you need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, or about any aspect of parenting, you can call Children First’s helpline.

Further information and support

You can find lots of advice on the National Autistic Society’s website on identifying the causes of meltdowns and minimising triggers.
Scottish Autism provide information, advice, and a range of support services across Scotland for autistic individuals and their families.
You can find more support organisations listed on our page on children and neurodiversity.